My life is full of things I don’t have time for. I’ve decided to address a few topics so in the future the general public will realize I give zero f*cks about said moments and will move forward.
Dear Sirs and Madams of the world. I do not have time for your side eyes or your looks of disgust and horror. For example when I’m on my way to work, have my windows down, and am passionately singing along to Whitesnake or Nicki Minaj and incorporating some impressively excellent car-coreography, I don’t want to look over into the other lane or across the intersection and catch you looking at me like this…
I do not have time for that.
I also do not have time for judgement when I am minding my own business in the grocery store. If I am texting someone, there is no need for a mouth breathing dude-bro to be leering over my shoulder reading my texts while I peruse the B&J selection. I most certainly do not have time for you to scream out, “OH MY GOD, DID SOMEONE JUST TEXT YOU A PHOTO OF A CAT AND REFER TO IT AS YOUR BOYFRIEND?! AND YOU’RE IN THE ICE CREAM ISLE! SAAAAAAD!”
I don’t have time for your bro-tastic observations, chug another Busch Light.
2) LECTURES (SPECIFICALLY BEFORE 10AM)
People seem to love to give me unsolicited advice. It usually pertains to my love life, hair, caffeine consumption and general appearance and of course my usual sunburn once summer finally rolls around. While I’m usually uninterested in the thoughts and musings of the general public, I’m extremely uninterested before 10am and before I have consumed adequate caffeine. For example, if I am in line at Starbucks do not approach me to discuss my sunburnt feet.
“Excuse me Ma’am, but did you realize you have a sunburn on your feet?”
Inner Monologue – “Oh. My. GOD! No I did not realize that! My feet are not overly hot nor do they look like I’m sporting bright red socks with my black flats. What would I have done if you hadn’t pointed this out to me?! YOU SAVED MY LIFE. Side note – If I’m 20 years younger then you, never call me Ma’am.
Actual Response – “Yes. Unfortunately I usually miss one spot when applying sunscreen. (Forced Laugh)
Overly Concerned Sunburn Troll – “Well Sweetheart, has anyone ever told you how dangerous a sunburn is? My goodness, just one can kill you – you will probably wind up with skin cancer. Actually you probably have it now, lurking. I wouldn’t be surprised if you lose your feet after this one.”
I’m sorry…lose my feet? Obviously, skin cancer strikes immediately causing instant necrosis of the skin. OH MY GOD, PASS ME THE ALOE! NOWWWWWW!
“I think my feet will survive, but thanks.”
Actual Response of WebMD specialist – “Ungrateful Whore.”
I don’t have time for your Yahoo Answers health care advice.
I do not have time for you accidentally shove your mattress so hard that it flies over your car and slams my entire body into the sidewalk. I also don’t have time for you to then ask, “Wait, where did it go?” as it slowly crushes the life out of me while my face lurks in some questionable goo on the sidewalk.
I do not have time for you to “trip” while walking on Church St. and proceed to steady yourself by grabbing my chest for a prolonged period of time while you leer at me and say, “Sorry didn’t see you there.” I will make time to slam your instep as I walk away however. Sorry buddy, didn’t see that there.
I do not have time for so many things, like continuing this post when my bed is looking at me so longingly.