Things I don’t have time for…

This week, I can’t even. Firstly I am sick, tired, and still being pushed around at my current job. This equals one foul mood for Amber. Throw some awkward in there and you are going to get a throwdown, probably in a public arena. Here are the events leading to my scene causing actions this afternoon.

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First off, on Sunday I was sniffed in line at Starbucks. Now you may be thinking someone perhaps subtly took a whiff of me in passing. You would be wrong. While waiting in line with my order of 5 coffees I became increasingly aware of an elderly gentleman standing entirely too close to me. I am HUGE on personal space bubbles, especially in public. I in no way want you teetering on your toes within a few mere millimeters of my body breathing down my neck, no sir. Yet I found myself in just such a situation Sunday afternoon. After several repeated small shuffling movements forward to escape Sir Space-Invader, during which he naturally continued to creep up on me, he committed a foul act.

He literally stuck his nose into the back of my neck and inhaled so strongly there was not only an audible noise, but the hairs on the back of my neck stood straight up – yes I realize this may have been out of direct fear. When I whirled around and hissed, “What exactly are you doing?!” He took this opportunity to lean in closer and simply say, “I’m finding a new perfume for my wife.” And that was it. No explanation like, “Hey, I’m just sniffing random women until I find one I like…” or, “I happen to like your perfume, I’m shopping for my wife and was wondering what it’s called…” Oh no, he just left it hanging on that awkward note and staring at me. Luckily at this point it was time for me to order my coffees and then run away.

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Follow this up on Monday when I walked into Wal-Mart in rubber shoes with absolutely no sole. Hit a puddle in said shoes, which were already wet from the rain, and promptly went into a slide-tackle worthy of the World Cup to take a small stand of discounted goods. By small stand I mean a large rack of sunscreen in aluminum cans directly in front of the entire section of registers. I suddenly find myself on the ground covered by SPF 60+ for babies in front of what appeared to be thousands of people. I have zero doubts I will shortly be making my appearance here – http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/

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Then today it was off to the eye doctors to have my eyes dilated. Here are some words I never like to here when someone is fiddling around with my eyesight – “Oops, oh dear…” Yet these were precisely the words I encountered after apparently the crazy biddie put the wrong drops in my eyes. “Well dear, I seem to have put long lasting drops in your eyes…you’ll be find in the morning. No worries!” I’m sorry, no worries? Actually, yes worries, firstly I can barely function with my pupils dilated, secondly it is 3pm and tomorrow morning is a long way away, thirdly I have shit to do, Dear. UGH! 45 minutes later I emerge with completely numb eyes into a blinding world. Pop into my car check the mirror and let out a small squeak. My pupils have completely taken over my iris and I’m seeing doubles of everything. All I want to do is go home and crawl into bed. However this is not an option.

Last night all hell broke lose, literally, when our kitchen ceiling collapsed due to a leak in the showers plumbing. NBD. That’s fine, I love some good plaster mixed with my coffee, the little moldy flakes also really accentuate my hair style. Naturally this sort of catastrophe necessitates a visit from our maintenance man. The same maintenance man whom I accidentally flashed while discussing previous plumbing issues with while wearing nothing but a towel. I am not interested in re-living this moment and plan to stay as far away from the house as possible while he is there.

In order to avoid an awkward encounter I take my near-blind, massive-pupil self to the Starbucks cafe in Barnes & Noble figuring I’ll do a little pretend reading with a latte in hand. About five minutes into my latte I feel a tap on my shoulder – I look up an attempt to focus in on this human shape next to me. Here’s what I get – “Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you to leave, you are making some of the customers here uncomfortable.” Pardon me? (Upon further reflection a girl with massive pupils who kept blinking maniacally, pretending to read, eyes out of focus, and repeatedly dropping her belongings may have put me off as well.) After a significant pause this little ‘Bucks wannabe barista continues with, “We don’t condone whatever behavior you are dabbling in, please remove yourself from this establishment.” Cue freak out.

I near leapt out of my seat with a snapping hand motion proclaiming, “LISTEN HERE! I have had a rough week, my eyes have been over dilated and my ceiling collapsed. Keep your outrageous judgements to yourself!” And with that I attempted to storm out of the door, which I was currently seeing two of.

I return home only to discover no hot water, make another call to the maintenance man, make some awkward chit – chat while fully and properly clothed, and now I will proceed to curl up in bed with a small bottle of wine and one still very dilated pupil. Lookin’ good.

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Spring Round-Up.

Clearly I have been slacking on my blog updates, and for this ultimate sin I have been verbally berated by numerous individuals. So, prepare yourselves because we have a lot of catching up to do.

Here is a small sampling of exactly how absurd my life is:

Accurate depiction of my life from Hyperbole and a half.

-Today on my way into the bank to take care of serious business like a very serious young adult, I walked into a glass door, stumbled and managed to fling my bills everywhere. At which point an elderly gentleman stopped to help me pick them up, caught a look at my statement and laughed at me. Thankssssssss.

– On my way home from work the other night an obscenely drunk man vomited what I am assuming was milk all over the side of my car while I was stopped at a red light. He then proceeded to lean on my window and say, “Thanks for still loving me Susan.” Completely unsure of how to proceed I simply said no problem then gunned it at the green.

– The other day at Starbucks a man bought me my drink stating, “A single working mom deserves a break every now and then.” I have absolutely no idea what he was talking about but I went with it because lets face it, a free latte is a free latte.

– While attempting to text and walk (multi-tasking is genuinely my greatest downfall) in the mall the other night  I walked into an absurdly large, very obvious sign and proceeded to stumble backwards and take down a mall cop.

– I recently moved into a larger room with considerably more space and far larger windows which I often forget to keep covered, you can imagine where this is going. The other night I decided to have a serious dance party in my room with an exotic beverage in hand and a terrible hair-do. While breaking it down in a very serious way I look out my completely open window to discover a small crew of Winooski teenagers staring at me with round eyes and gaping mouths. After completely freezing for about a full minute I decided that my best option was to hide in the closet until my beverage was done and it was most likely safe.

And now for a delightful tid-bit not from my life:

“Me and Jesus were flirting with each other last night while he is working. He is talking about his painting/art (blahblah) and I (accidentally, ahem, ok very obviously) look him up and down while I didn’t think he was looking. This is what follows:

Jesus: Did you just look at my package?
Me: PFFFFTT.
Jesus: You totally just looked at my package.
Me: No.
Jesus: Yes, you did.
Me: Shut up.

OOPTH.”

Where to start?

Clearly I have been slacking on my awkward updates, and sadly it is not because there is any lack of them. There have been numerous awkward instances involving old people, the infamous retail world, attractive men in general, perilous weather and of course young children.

In the past few months I have managed to slide down a snowbank and become wedged under my car, be sat on by a relatively large man in the frozen foods section of Wal-Mart, be smacked while accidentally walking through a domestic dispute and fall into the wardrobe of an elderly woman who was tragically not senile enough to miss that move.

Today really took the cake for the highest number of awkward moments to occur in a single day. Allow me to just rattle them right on off:

#1 In Starbucks (usually a neutral territory) a small child in front of me let out the single largest and loudest blast of gas I have ever witnessed. I was quite frankly surprised he didn’t shoot about four feet forward. Immediately after, without missing a beat the kid turns around, points directly at me and yells, “EWWWWW YOU FARTED!” Um…..are you kidding me, outrageous! In complete shock I maturely responded with, “Well, the one who smelt it dealt it kid.” This naturally got me an extremely loud, “THE ONE WHO DENIED IT SUPPLIED IT!” Great. Just great. Everyone not only thinks I let it rip in Starbucks but they also now know my maturity level rivals that of a grade-schooler. Perfect.

#2 While getting out of my car I managed to get my foot tangled in my seat belt and fall over into the car next to me. A full on fall that involved my essentially body tackling the side of this nice, clean, new benz and deeply startling the young, good-looking driver seated inside of it.

#3 I slipped on a spilled bottle of lube in Wal-Mart. Nothing more on that subject really needs to be said.

#4 While attempting to sniff a shampoo I managed to spray roughly half the bottle all over my face. Good for the pores….right?

#5 While attempting to do some innocent shopping in the toy section for Cooper, a dog began to try and have its way with my leg. Despite pushing, yelling and promises of treats if the behavior stopped the dog went on for a good five minutes before an associate assisted me in the freeing of my assaulted leg. The dog’s owner? Filming the ordeal with his iPhone. Yep, that’s helpful buddy. Hope you don’t mind when I accidentally knock your phone to the floor shattering is pretty little screen. Whoops…

#6 Last but most certainly not least while walking through the aisle at Shaws a woman proceeded to knock of a massive jar of pickles causing the lovely pickle juice to splash up into my new flats. Her response? She simply looked from the shelf, to the terrifying mess on the floor, to me and goes, “You should really watch where you’re going next time,” and then walk away. Wait, what?!

After this horrifyingly awkward day I am dragging myself into bed. We shall see if I can managed to face the world tomorrow.