Awkwardness. Sometimes it leaves my life, just long enough for me to begin to breath steadily and not walk around in fear of what may be lurking around the next corner. Then, just when I let my guard down, WHAP – smacked in the face by some serious awkward. Allow me to elaborate.
A few weeks ago while waiting in line for my coffee I ran into another prime example of why I am so perpetually single. Behind me I hear a grumbly voice clearing which escalates into a cough. I’m thinking, “What the shit is this…” as I turn around. I find myself uncomfortably close to another fellow ginger who is looking at me extremely intently with a leery smile. “Oh this should be good,” I think to myself.
Befor I get the chance to turn around he launches into this whopper of an opener, “Did you know redheads are a race facing extinction?” There are a lot of things wrong with this statement, but I was too baffled and simply responded with, “Ummm. No?” Here is what ensued.
“Yes, we are a dying breed. Very rare these days.”
“Well there are two of us in the coffee shop, so things can’t be that bad. Haha….”
….Awkward silence complete with intense staring…….
“It’s a rather serious matter.”
“Oh. Er. Sorry.”
“Yes. I have numerous pieces of evidence to validate my claims. Perhaps you would like to get together sometime and look at them.”
“Um, well, you see…”
“We could also talk about the possibility of procreating.”
Yes, the word procreate was involved. At this point I had just about enough of this creeping and leapt into action to order my coffee, then proceeded to relocate myself in between two large beefy, blonde men to assert my non-compliance with the Ginger Hierarchy.
While completing some christmas shopping at Best Buy I decided to fiddle around in the stereo system section. After spending about 3 minutes attempting to figure out how in the heck I was supposed to get sound to come out of one of the systems – I had even resorted to checking if the speakers were plugged in – I realize it had a mute button. Push this and Voila! Problem solved. Except that I had the volume all the way up to 40 and a terrible top 40 station tuned in. So suddenly the stereo section has turned Best Buy into LMFAO’s personal concert with the line, “TAN MY CHEEKS!” blaring out. In my sheer desperation to shut it off I manage to knock over another system and hit myself in the head with a speaker all while the music blares away. Finally a sales associate comes over, shuts off the system and says, “Ma’am, please try to control yourself.” Well, then. This is when I decided to promptly leave through the small mass of people staring at me.
I decided to do a little retail therapy with the zero spare cash I have this afternoon, so off to Marshall’s I headed in search of a sassy handbag. After listening to a mother – daughter duo have an increasingly high pitched argument about whether a certain bag was “on trend” or not I finally plugged my ipod in. 20 minutes later, under the impression I am completely alone, I’m busting a move to Springsteen’s Dancing in the Dark. Why don’t I just let you listen to this so you can really get a good mental picture of this incident:
So in the middle of busting out a sassy move with a few handbags swinging from my arms, I pop around the corner to find a total DILF shoe shopping with his son. I freeze frame it and manage to smack my face with a bag at the exact moment the kid points at me and goes, “EWWWWWWW!”
HEY! Listen, I know my dance skills may not be the most exotic you’ve seen, and yes my hair was being held up by a rubber band, but STFU kid. Ew to you, you have crumbs from your happy meal still clinging to your jumper. Anyways to top it off the previous viewed DILF, who is now a gross old man, began to laugh. After one death glare of epic proportions that promptly silenced these two fools, I stalked off purse-less. Tragic.
To top it all off I now have a small hive breakout around my mouth which makes it look like I have razor burn. Excellent. If this does not go away by tomorrow I will be calling in sick to life, grabbing my bottle of wine and hiding under my bed until further notice.