The Breakdown…Mental Breakdown That Is.

In the past month or so the level of awkward in my life has shot through the roof. Here’s the breakdown –

– While walking through the mall the other day on my break I quite obviously checked out some young male specimens. Thinking I was simply checking out some hot young college boys, I looked back to find their MOMS staring me down. Apparently I have lost all ability to accurately determine age and was eyeing some high school kids. NBD. Best part? When I made eye contact with the moms one of them was scowling and the other winked. I’m sorry, did you just wink at this lecherous college grad who just checked out your practically prepubescent son??

– When people ask me why I am single I’ve decided to refer them to this gem of a moment in my life. The other weekend while walking home in a pair of heels, a young college kid in a frat hoodie leaned out the side of his car and screamed, “CLICK CLACK, LET ME HIT IT FROM THE BACK!!!” Tragically this modern day Shakespearean sonnet did not sweep me off my feet and I returned home alone. Since these appear to be the only people I attract, this ladies and gentleman is why I am single. Mystery solved. I’m now going to adopt my first of many cats since my future dictates that I will be a creepy old woman with numerous cats.

– This weekend while wearing some new shoes I acquired some severe blisters upon the back of my feet. Due to this I’ve been wearing shoes slightly too big for me the whole week to alleviate the pain. Side-eye me all you want but the shoes were cute and the Absolut numbed the pain. So while hiking myself up the hill the other day from my eye appt, said slightly-to-large shoe slipped off the back of my heel sending me into a scuttling, tripping, slipping sort of motion. In my natural instincts I grabbed out for the nearest item to steady myself. This happened to be a parking meter which I entwined myself with. As I am hanging onto this meter, in what I am sure is a very seductive pose, I look up to make eye contact with an old group-project partner from UVM. Oh excellent. As I’m wrenching my eyes away and detangling myself from the meter he touches my arm and goes, “Amber?” My response? Pfffffttttt! No, you clearly have the wrong person.” At which point I grab my shoe and hustle up the hill cursing my life.

– After receiving some particularly fabulous news I lost myself in the moment when Whitney Houston’s “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” came on my iPod in the car. By losing myself I mean full on car dancing and singing into my Starbucks cup enthusiastically. While deep into the chorus on a especially aggressive head swing to the left I notice an entire mini-van of small children staring at me and pointing. Further inspection revealed their parents, who by the way appeared to be my age -get a chastity belt- laughing hysterically at me. Leave a girl alone when she’s enjoying her 80s.

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Stranger Danger.

On the way home I found myself trapped in a small pocket of traffic. I naturally took this as an opportunity to seize the awkward moment of the day. CARPE DIEM AWKWARDIUM! Or you know, whatever.

While I was staring out my window I noticed a small boy deep into play time. He had clearly dreamed up a very serious game that involved jumping in and out of bushes James Bond style. I began to think to myself nice it was that some kids still have a wild imagination in this excessively digital age. In this short period of time I was not only locked into staring at this small child, but I had unknowingly gathered a creepy, half-smile on my face. Right before I snap out of my trance, James Bond Jr. leaps out of a nearby bush to see me staring at him with my terrifying pedophile smile.

He suddenly throws a small clump of berries, twigs, dirt and other small bits of nature at my car with surprising force while screaming (at the top of his lungs,) “STRANGER DANGER!!!!” He then jumps on his bike and pedals madly away while continuing to scream the phrase down the street. Completely stunned I look around to see disapproving looks from my nearby vehicular neighbors. Excellent.

Spring Round-Up.

Clearly I have been slacking on my blog updates, and for this ultimate sin I have been verbally berated by numerous individuals. So, prepare yourselves because we have a lot of catching up to do.

Here is a small sampling of exactly how absurd my life is:

Accurate depiction of my life from Hyperbole and a half.

-Today on my way into the bank to take care of serious business like a very serious young adult, I walked into a glass door, stumbled and managed to fling my bills everywhere. At which point an elderly gentleman stopped to help me pick them up, caught a look at my statement and laughed at me. Thankssssssss.

– On my way home from work the other night an obscenely drunk man vomited what I am assuming was milk all over the side of my car while I was stopped at a red light. He then proceeded to lean on my window and say, “Thanks for still loving me Susan.” Completely unsure of how to proceed I simply said no problem then gunned it at the green.

– The other day at Starbucks a man bought me my drink stating, “A single working mom deserves a break every now and then.” I have absolutely no idea what he was talking about but I went with it because lets face it, a free latte is a free latte.

– While attempting to text and walk (multi-tasking is genuinely my greatest downfall) in the mall the other night  I walked into an absurdly large, very obvious sign and proceeded to stumble backwards and take down a mall cop.

– I recently moved into a larger room with considerably more space and far larger windows which I often forget to keep covered, you can imagine where this is going. The other night I decided to have a serious dance party in my room with an exotic beverage in hand and a terrible hair-do. While breaking it down in a very serious way I look out my completely open window to discover a small crew of Winooski teenagers staring at me with round eyes and gaping mouths. After completely freezing for about a full minute I decided that my best option was to hide in the closet until my beverage was done and it was most likely safe.

And now for a delightful tid-bit not from my life:

“Me and Jesus were flirting with each other last night while he is working. He is talking about his painting/art (blahblah) and I (accidentally, ahem, ok very obviously) look him up and down while I didn’t think he was looking. This is what follows:

Jesus: Did you just look at my package?
Me: PFFFFTT.
Jesus: You totally just looked at my package.
Me: No.
Jesus: Yes, you did.
Me: Shut up.

OOPTH.”

What. The. Crap.

I simply cannot believe the situation I have just found myself in. Firstly, let me just throw a little disclaimer out there: I LOATHE FLYING, STINGING WASP-LIKE INSECTS. I fully believe them to, in fact, be the spawn of Satan. After numerous, horrifying incidents with wasps, hornets, and bees in general as a small child, I have developed a full blown phobia of them which can induce hysteria and extremely questionable actions. I will dead sprint up mountains, jump in massive bodies of water, and nearly throw my car into a ditch pulling over to escape these winged demons. I once hurdled the wall of my pool in one fluid motion to flee, which is no easy feat. Needless to say, the slightest hum of beating wings makes me lose what little sanity I actually posses.

Moving forward….it is April. In fact it is still the beginning of April. This is the time of year I live for. Ideally I prefer summer, however the large amount of wasp-demon activity in this season keeps me with Raid can in hand, severely hindering my ability to enjoy it fully. This is why spring is perfect. Things are just beginning to get warm and bloom and insect activity is minimal. I can walk about freely without fearing a sudden attack, which is why tonight I was completely blind sided.

Finally ready for bed around midnight I plop into bed grab my computer and intend to do a little facebooking before bed. While typing and innocently minding my own business I feel something move across my left pinky finger… something that feels far too much like small, evil insect legs. I look down and spy a bug on my finger. I instantly tense and flick away the evil-doer thinking it was one of those gross, annoying and perfect harmless bugs that has taken to inhabiting our house during warm months. Thinking I’m safe I continue typing.

Next thing I know the bug is back and has flown straight into my face and landed on my glasses. Adjusting my eyesight I see that it is in fact a WASP!!!! AHHHH!!! What in the hell!!! It’s April, where did this little devil come from?!?! I freak. The glasses go flying off so quickly I lose my balance and fall out of bed knocking over my chair which hits my light knocking that to the floor as well. WORST NIGHTMARE EVER. I am now completely blind, in the dark and I can hear BUZZING. Ohhh myyyy godddddddddd. I literally hurl myself into my closet with the light, plug it in and emerge looking a fool, using my light as a weapon. RIDICULOUS. With light-weapon in tow and shaking all over, I manage to locate my glasses after much close peering at the carpet and they are wasp free. Now the hunt begins. I locate the little jerk sneaking into my pillow case! Outrageous. After much nervous flinching I trap the sucker under a glass and between a book. He is now safely locked in the closet in this makeshift contraption with a book on top of the glass to ensure a safe nights sleep. I simply cannot believe the war has begun so soon this year. Raid will be purchased tomorrow, ASAP.

Oh heyyyy! Don't mind me, I'm just here to make sure you never sleep peacefully again.

City Market always brings the Awkward.

I have had numerous awkward experiences at Shitty Markup, better known to the greater Burlington population as City Market – health food wonder emporium. There was the time when I knocked over a small bushel of precious organic oranges ripened to perfection (or at least that was what the extremely angry sales clerk called them while rushing to save them from the horrors of the floor.) The exotic moment when I accidentally squeezed a yogurt container to hard in a vain attempt to keep from dropping it, causing it to explode all over me, sexy no? And of course there have been numerous instances running through the aisles to escape an awkward man-friend. Good times!

Today I had the wonderful opportunity to add two new weird, and tragically awkward moments to that list. I arranged a meet-up in the CM parking lot with a co-worker to commute to work together. Naturally this meet-up occurred at 7am which is most certainly not my finest hour. I would far rather be snuggled up with numerous pillows and blankets than fully dressed and already in a vehicle.  Nevertheless I prevailed and arrived on time, surprisingly.

However I apparently arrived too early and the CM was not open. I however, chose to ignore the obvious posted sign stating operating hours and proceeded to walk through the automatic door. Small problem, the door did not open. Instead of going with the logical assumption they weren’t opened yet I figured, naturally, the door wasn’t working. I walked at it a few more times, did some subtle prying at the hinges and finally moved onto jumping up and down in front of it thinking perhaps by some miracle it wasn’t registering my body weight, hilarious I know. Suddenly it dawns upon me in a grand Ahhhhh-haaaaaaa! moment that they are in fact, not open yet. I turn around thinking I can slink back to my car and no one will be none the wiser of my ridiculous actions. No such luck. I turn around to face roughly 5 people staring at me with a mixed expression of bewilderment and straight up hilarious amusement. At this moment I decide to scurry back to my car and pretend nothing happened.

In the process of scurrying back I notice something odd out of the corner of my eye. While safely stowed away inside my car I subtly maneuver the rear-view mirror to catch a better glimpse, so stealthy I know, I’m practically CIA certified. With my spy skills I view an absolutely absurd moment. A man, apparently also waiting for the market of organic wonders to open, decided to take this spare time and perform some yoga. Yes, I said yoga. Yes, daylight had barely begun and yes, it was around 34 degrees outside but apparently these are the perfect elements for yoga at 7am.

Naturally I cannot control myself and begin to stare obscenely obviously. This man is doing downward dogs, lunges, hip thrusts, all sorts of outrageous movements occasionally utilizing the hood of his car for additional moves. In typical fashion he managed to look up and lock eyes with me in my mirror. Cue door locking, eye-aversion and feverish texting in order look very preoccupied and act as if that eye-lock was by complete chance.

Just when I thought I was in the clear, I look up to catch him strutting to the door and staring me down. This secondary moment of eye contact apparently earned me and enthusiastic hip-thrust. Yeah, definitely way to early in the morning for that sort of business, sir. Ah, the joys of public parking lots in the early morning hours.

Where to start?

Clearly I have been slacking on my awkward updates, and sadly it is not because there is any lack of them. There have been numerous awkward instances involving old people, the infamous retail world, attractive men in general, perilous weather and of course young children.

In the past few months I have managed to slide down a snowbank and become wedged under my car, be sat on by a relatively large man in the frozen foods section of Wal-Mart, be smacked while accidentally walking through a domestic dispute and fall into the wardrobe of an elderly woman who was tragically not senile enough to miss that move.

Today really took the cake for the highest number of awkward moments to occur in a single day. Allow me to just rattle them right on off:

#1 In Starbucks (usually a neutral territory) a small child in front of me let out the single largest and loudest blast of gas I have ever witnessed. I was quite frankly surprised he didn’t shoot about four feet forward. Immediately after, without missing a beat the kid turns around, points directly at me and yells, “EWWWWW YOU FARTED!” Um…..are you kidding me, outrageous! In complete shock I maturely responded with, “Well, the one who smelt it dealt it kid.” This naturally got me an extremely loud, “THE ONE WHO DENIED IT SUPPLIED IT!” Great. Just great. Everyone not only thinks I let it rip in Starbucks but they also now know my maturity level rivals that of a grade-schooler. Perfect.

#2 While getting out of my car I managed to get my foot tangled in my seat belt and fall over into the car next to me. A full on fall that involved my essentially body tackling the side of this nice, clean, new benz and deeply startling the young, good-looking driver seated inside of it.

#3 I slipped on a spilled bottle of lube in Wal-Mart. Nothing more on that subject really needs to be said.

#4 While attempting to sniff a shampoo I managed to spray roughly half the bottle all over my face. Good for the pores….right?

#5 While attempting to do some innocent shopping in the toy section for Cooper, a dog began to try and have its way with my leg. Despite pushing, yelling and promises of treats if the behavior stopped the dog went on for a good five minutes before an associate assisted me in the freeing of my assaulted leg. The dog’s owner? Filming the ordeal with his iPhone. Yep, that’s helpful buddy. Hope you don’t mind when I accidentally knock your phone to the floor shattering is pretty little screen. Whoops…

#6 Last but most certainly not least while walking through the aisle at Shaws a woman proceeded to knock of a massive jar of pickles causing the lovely pickle juice to splash up into my new flats. Her response? She simply looked from the shelf, to the terrifying mess on the floor, to me and goes, “You should really watch where you’re going next time,” and then walk away. Wait, what?!

After this horrifyingly awkward day I am dragging myself into bed. We shall see if I can managed to face the world tomorrow.

Mall Cub strikes again…

I wish I was talking about this kind of cub...

Where to begin? Let’s start with the cub. The mall I work at has a young man on the night-time cleaning staff who happens to be rather good looking. He is also only 19 and practically still a child. This however, has not stopped the majority of my co-workers from lusting after him, all women who are older then him and looking to coug it up. Therefore this lovely individual has earned himself the title of mall cub.

Mall cub and I have an extremely strained relationship due to numerous awkward moments such as when I almost hit him in the face with a large bag of trash, the time I choked on my gum when I sneak-attacked me coming out of the secret-mall-janitor room, and when I accidently almost pulled a Michael Scott and ran him over. No big deal right? WRONG. He is always popping up everywhere when I am at my most vulnerable and awkward.

Naturally when I heard the news he was moving on to bigger and better things to work at the local Toyota dealership and this was his last day I threw a mini celebration rejoicing in the lack of awkward that would soon be my life. Now if you know me, or read this blog at all then you know nothing is ever that simple. Oh no, life had plans for me and mall cub to go out with a bang. Literally.

Since the break area was overtaken with visitors I chose to pop across the street to grab my lunch, while practically inhaling my food I check the time and I’m already a minute late, what a surprise. I quickly yet sophisticatedly fast-walk through the parking lot, run some yellow lights and park my car as close as possible to the mall entrance. What I  do not realize is that mall cub and his posse of mall bros are outside chatting about cleaning solutions and what-not. Just as I’m about to exit the car I realize my cell phone is still on my seat. In a huff, I place my water bottle on top of my roof and lean back in the car to grab my cell. At this moment I feel a sudden strong breeze and hear a rather odd noise. I peak up at my windshield only to see my water bottle zooming down the front of my car with amazing force. Oh no, no, no, no.

My water bottle collides with my hood at and excessive force and catapults off the hood and into the windshield of the car across from me. Apparently this crappy, rusted out honda is packing a serious alarm system. Why we will never know. However the system begins to go off at increasingly loud levels as my bottle disappears beneath my car. Perfect. I am now bending over into my car, I have set off an alarm on the car next to me, and I now have to crawl under my car on all fours to gather my lost water bottle. Just perfect.

After finally extracting my water bottle with my purse I pop up only to realize not only is mall cub and his entire posse are staring at me with “is this chick for real” looks on their faces, but they are also completely blocking my entrance to the mall. With as much dignity as one can gather when they have dirt and gravel embedded in their knees, I gathered all my belongings and marched into the mall simply pretending they had all hallucinated the entire scenario, just never mind the wailing car alarm in the background.