Well then…

Let’s talk about why I’m updating this blog. I’ve sustained a serious injury and find myself sitting around with some free time. You might ask “What injury is this and how, pray tell, did it happen?” Well allow me to catch you up.

I have been unable to sleep soundly for the past week. In the middle of the night – say around 3AM – a scratching noise comes from deep within the wall right behind my bed. Since there is a crack in this wall I am perpetually afraid that whatever it is making that noise will suddenly come barreling through this crack and join me in bed. This would not be welcome. On a completely unrelated note  – I have may or may not have been watching copious amounts of horror movies by myself lately.

In a fit of overtired angst I decided to re-arrange my room and place my bed in a position in which I could easily fend off an attack from the “scratcher” While listening to some excellent, high quality, very mature music and dancing around I may have lost control of my mattress and tripped over my desk chair. Naturally I wound up twisted in the desk chair with my mattress on top of me in the most bizarrely contorted position I have ever experienced. In the most attractive way ever, I managed to detangle myself only to find I threw my back out. NBD. That’s fine. I also may have a fat lip due to facial mattress smacking. That’s fine, just one more injury to tack on to my already wounded self.

In addition to these latest events I also have a large bruise on my side – This one stemmed from a literal run-in with the parking garage gate. While quite obviously checking out the rather attractive parking attendant I managed to body check the side of the parking gate so hard I bounced off and hit the concrete. This move is guaranteed to win the men over, trust me. They most certainly will not stare at you like you are on meth and then advise you to watch your step with a look reeking of judgment, oh no.

My calves are looking pretty damn hot too. They’re sporting a hot black and blue splotchy color which is totally in this season. How does one acquire such a high fashion look? Well my method is a sure fire win. My advice – search for your keys in the dark in your seemingly bottomless purse, trip in a small hole and then land with your shins perfectly lined up on the curb. Note – this is for professionals only, many individuals can simply not pull off the timing properly. After you pull off this move, it’s best to celebrate by rolling over onto your back and saying something sophisticated like, “BLOW ME!” right as some college students pass by. Pure class.

To complete my new makeover I also burned my forehead with my straightening iron while staring at Facebook. I truly am looking beautiful these days.

The plan for this weekend? Steal a wheelchair from my former place of work and hit the town. You only look this good for so long. right?

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Things I don’t have time for…

This week, I can’t even. Firstly I am sick, tired, and still being pushed around at my current job. This equals one foul mood for Amber. Throw some awkward in there and you are going to get a throwdown, probably in a public arena. Here are the events leading to my scene causing actions this afternoon.

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First off, on Sunday I was sniffed in line at Starbucks. Now you may be thinking someone perhaps subtly took a whiff of me in passing. You would be wrong. While waiting in line with my order of 5 coffees I became increasingly aware of an elderly gentleman standing entirely too close to me. I am HUGE on personal space bubbles, especially in public. I in no way want you teetering on your toes within a few mere millimeters of my body breathing down my neck, no sir. Yet I found myself in just such a situation Sunday afternoon. After several repeated small shuffling movements forward to escape Sir Space-Invader, during which he naturally continued to creep up on me, he committed a foul act.

He literally stuck his nose into the back of my neck and inhaled so strongly there was not only an audible noise, but the hairs on the back of my neck stood straight up – yes I realize this may have been out of direct fear. When I whirled around and hissed, “What exactly are you doing?!” He took this opportunity to lean in closer and simply say, “I’m finding a new perfume for my wife.” And that was it. No explanation like, “Hey, I’m just sniffing random women until I find one I like…” or, “I happen to like your perfume, I’m shopping for my wife and was wondering what it’s called…” Oh no, he just left it hanging on that awkward note and staring at me. Luckily at this point it was time for me to order my coffees and then run away.

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Follow this up on Monday when I walked into Wal-Mart in rubber shoes with absolutely no sole. Hit a puddle in said shoes, which were already wet from the rain, and promptly went into a slide-tackle worthy of the World Cup to take a small stand of discounted goods. By small stand I mean a large rack of sunscreen in aluminum cans directly in front of the entire section of registers. I suddenly find myself on the ground covered by SPF 60+ for babies in front of what appeared to be thousands of people. I have zero doubts I will shortly be making my appearance here – http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/

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Then today it was off to the eye doctors to have my eyes dilated. Here are some words I never like to here when someone is fiddling around with my eyesight – “Oops, oh dear…” Yet these were precisely the words I encountered after apparently the crazy biddie put the wrong drops in my eyes. “Well dear, I seem to have put long lasting drops in your eyes…you’ll be find in the morning. No worries!” I’m sorry, no worries? Actually, yes worries, firstly I can barely function with my pupils dilated, secondly it is 3pm and tomorrow morning is a long way away, thirdly I have shit to do, Dear. UGH! 45 minutes later I emerge with completely numb eyes into a blinding world. Pop into my car check the mirror and let out a small squeak. My pupils have completely taken over my iris and I’m seeing doubles of everything. All I want to do is go home and crawl into bed. However this is not an option.

Last night all hell broke lose, literally, when our kitchen ceiling collapsed due to a leak in the showers plumbing. NBD. That’s fine, I love some good plaster mixed with my coffee, the little moldy flakes also really accentuate my hair style. Naturally this sort of catastrophe necessitates a visit from our maintenance man. The same maintenance man whom I accidentally flashed while discussing previous plumbing issues with while wearing nothing but a towel. I am not interested in re-living this moment and plan to stay as far away from the house as possible while he is there.

In order to avoid an awkward encounter I take my near-blind, massive-pupil self to the Starbucks cafe in Barnes & Noble figuring I’ll do a little pretend reading with a latte in hand. About five minutes into my latte I feel a tap on my shoulder – I look up an attempt to focus in on this human shape next to me. Here’s what I get – “Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you to leave, you are making some of the customers here uncomfortable.” Pardon me? (Upon further reflection a girl with massive pupils who kept blinking maniacally, pretending to read, eyes out of focus, and repeatedly dropping her belongings may have put me off as well.) After a significant pause this little ‘Bucks wannabe barista continues with, “We don’t condone whatever behavior you are dabbling in, please remove yourself from this establishment.” Cue freak out.

I near leapt out of my seat with a snapping hand motion proclaiming, “LISTEN HERE! I have had a rough week, my eyes have been over dilated and my ceiling collapsed. Keep your outrageous judgements to yourself!” And with that I attempted to storm out of the door, which I was currently seeing two of.

I return home only to discover no hot water, make another call to the maintenance man, make some awkward chit – chat while fully and properly clothed, and now I will proceed to curl up in bed with a small bottle of wine and one still very dilated pupil. Lookin’ good.