Let’s talk about why I’m updating this blog. I’ve sustained a serious injury and find myself sitting around with some free time. You might ask “What injury is this and how, pray tell, did it happen?” Well allow me to catch you up.
I have been unable to sleep soundly for the past week. In the middle of the night – say around 3AM – a scratching noise comes from deep within the wall right behind my bed. Since there is a crack in this wall I am perpetually afraid that whatever it is making that noise will suddenly come barreling through this crack and join me in bed. This would not be welcome. On a completely unrelated note – I have may or may not have been watching copious amounts of horror movies by myself lately.
In a fit of overtired angst I decided to re-arrange my room and place my bed in a position in which I could easily fend off an attack from the “scratcher” While listening to some excellent, high quality, very mature music and dancing around I may have lost control of my mattress and tripped over my desk chair. Naturally I wound up twisted in the desk chair with my mattress on top of me in the most bizarrely contorted position I have ever experienced. In the most attractive way ever, I managed to detangle myself only to find I threw my back out. NBD. That’s fine. I also may have a fat lip due to facial mattress smacking. That’s fine, just one more injury to tack on to my already wounded self.
In addition to these latest events I also have a large bruise on my side – This one stemmed from a literal run-in with the parking garage gate. While quite obviously checking out the rather attractive parking attendant I managed to body check the side of the parking gate so hard I bounced off and hit the concrete. This move is guaranteed to win the men over, trust me. They most certainly will not stare at you like you are on meth and then advise you to watch your step with a look reeking of judgment, oh no.
My calves are looking pretty damn hot too. They’re sporting a hot black and blue splotchy color which is totally in this season. How does one acquire such a high fashion look? Well my method is a sure fire win. My advice – search for your keys in the dark in your seemingly bottomless purse, trip in a small hole and then land with your shins perfectly lined up on the curb. Note – this is for professionals only, many individuals can simply not pull off the timing properly. After you pull off this move, it’s best to celebrate by rolling over onto your back and saying something sophisticated like, “BLOW ME!” right as some college students pass by. Pure class.
To complete my new makeover I also burned my forehead with my straightening iron while staring at Facebook. I truly am looking beautiful these days.
The plan for this weekend? Steal a wheelchair from my former place of work and hit the town. You only look this good for so long. right?