Clearly I have been slacking on my blog updates, and for this ultimate sin I have been verbally berated by numerous individuals. So, prepare yourselves because we have a lot of catching up to do.
Here is a small sampling of exactly how absurd my life is:
Accurate depiction of my life from Hyperbole and a half.
-Today on my way into the bank to take care of serious business like a very serious young adult, I walked into a glass door, stumbled and managed to fling my bills everywhere. At which point an elderly gentleman stopped to help me pick them up, caught a look at my statement and laughed at me. Thankssssssss.
– On my way home from work the other night an obscenely drunk man vomited what I am assuming was milk all over the side of my car while I was stopped at a red light. He then proceeded to lean on my window and say, “Thanks for still loving me Susan.” Completely unsure of how to proceed I simply said no problem then gunned it at the green.
– The other day at Starbucks a man bought me my drink stating, “A single working mom deserves a break every now and then.” I have absolutely no idea what he was talking about but I went with it because lets face it, a free latte is a free latte.
– While attempting to text and walk (multi-tasking is genuinely my greatest downfall) in the mall the other night I walked into an absurdly large, very obvious sign and proceeded to stumble backwards and take down a mall cop.
– I recently moved into a larger room with considerably more space and far larger windows which I often forget to keep covered, you can imagine where this is going. The other night I decided to have a serious dance party in my room with an exotic beverage in hand and a terrible hair-do. While breaking it down in a very serious way I look out my completely open window to discover a small crew of Winooski teenagers staring at me with round eyes and gaping mouths. After completely freezing for about a full minute I decided that my best option was to hide in the closet until my beverage was done and it was most likely safe.
And now for a delightful tid-bit not from my life:
“Me and Jesus were flirting with each other last night while he is working. He is talking about his painting/art (blahblah) and I (accidentally, ahem, ok very obviously) look him up and down while I didn’t think he was looking. This is what follows:
Jesus: Did you just look at my package?
Jesus: You totally just looked at my package.
Jesus: Yes, you did.
Me: Shut up.