Stranger Danger.

On the way home I found myself trapped in a small pocket of traffic. I naturally took this as an opportunity to seize the awkward moment of the day. CARPE DIEM AWKWARDIUM! Or you know, whatever.

While I was staring out my window I noticed a small boy deep into play time. He had clearly dreamed up a very serious game that involved jumping in and out of bushes James Bond style. I began to think to myself nice it was that some kids still have a wild imagination in this excessively digital age. In this short period of time I was not only locked into staring at this small child, but I had unknowingly gathered a creepy, half-smile on my face. Right before I snap out of my trance, James Bond Jr. leaps out of a nearby bush to see me staring at him with my terrifying pedophile smile.

He suddenly throws a small clump of berries, twigs, dirt and other small bits of nature at my car with surprising force while screaming (at the top of his lungs,) “STRANGER DANGER!!!!” He then jumps on his bike and pedals madly away while continuing to scream the phrase down the street. Completely stunned I look around to see disapproving looks from my nearby vehicular neighbors. Excellent.


Spring Round-Up.

Clearly I have been slacking on my blog updates, and for this ultimate sin I have been verbally berated by numerous individuals. So, prepare yourselves because we have a lot of catching up to do.

Here is a small sampling of exactly how absurd my life is:

Accurate depiction of my life from Hyperbole and a half.

-Today on my way into the bank to take care of serious business like a very serious young adult, I walked into a glass door, stumbled and managed to fling my bills everywhere. At which point an elderly gentleman stopped to help me pick them up, caught a look at my statement and laughed at me. Thankssssssss.

– On my way home from work the other night an obscenely drunk man vomited what I am assuming was milk all over the side of my car while I was stopped at a red light. He then proceeded to lean on my window and say, “Thanks for still loving me Susan.” Completely unsure of how to proceed I simply said no problem then gunned it at the green.

– The other day at Starbucks a man bought me my drink stating, “A single working mom deserves a break every now and then.” I have absolutely no idea what he was talking about but I went with it because lets face it, a free latte is a free latte.

– While attempting to text and walk (multi-tasking is genuinely my greatest downfall) in the mall the other night  I walked into an absurdly large, very obvious sign and proceeded to stumble backwards and take down a mall cop.

– I recently moved into a larger room with considerably more space and far larger windows which I often forget to keep covered, you can imagine where this is going. The other night I decided to have a serious dance party in my room with an exotic beverage in hand and a terrible hair-do. While breaking it down in a very serious way I look out my completely open window to discover a small crew of Winooski teenagers staring at me with round eyes and gaping mouths. After completely freezing for about a full minute I decided that my best option was to hide in the closet until my beverage was done and it was most likely safe.

And now for a delightful tid-bit not from my life:

“Me and Jesus were flirting with each other last night while he is working. He is talking about his painting/art (blahblah) and I (accidentally, ahem, ok very obviously) look him up and down while I didn’t think he was looking. This is what follows:

Jesus: Did you just look at my package?
Jesus: You totally just looked at my package.
Me: No.
Jesus: Yes, you did.
Me: Shut up.