What. The. Crap.

I simply cannot believe the situation I have just found myself in. Firstly, let me just throw a little disclaimer out there: I LOATHE FLYING, STINGING WASP-LIKE INSECTS. I fully believe them to, in fact, be the spawn of Satan. After numerous, horrifying incidents with wasps, hornets, and bees in general as a small child, I have developed a full blown phobia of them which can induce hysteria and extremely questionable actions. I will dead sprint up mountains, jump in massive bodies of water, and nearly throw my car into a ditch pulling over to escape these winged demons. I once hurdled the wall of my pool in one fluid motion to flee, which is no easy feat. Needless to say, the slightest hum of beating wings makes me lose what little sanity I actually posses.

Moving forward….it is April. In fact it is still the beginning of April. This is the time of year I live for. Ideally I prefer summer, however the large amount of wasp-demon activity in this season keeps me with Raid can in hand, severely hindering my ability to enjoy it fully. This is why spring is perfect. Things are just beginning to get warm and bloom and insect activity is minimal. I can walk about freely without fearing a sudden attack, which is why tonight I was completely blind sided.

Finally ready for bed around midnight I plop into bed grab my computer and intend to do a little facebooking before bed. While typing and innocently minding my own business I feel something move across my left pinky finger… something that feels far too much like small, evil insect legs. I look down and spy a bug on my finger. I instantly tense and flick away the evil-doer thinking it was one of those gross, annoying and perfect harmless bugs that has taken to inhabiting our house during warm months. Thinking I’m safe I continue typing.

Next thing I know the bug is back and has flown straight into my face and landed on my glasses. Adjusting my eyesight I see that it is in fact a WASP!!!! AHHHH!!! What in the hell!!! It’s April, where did this little devil come from?!?! I freak. The glasses go flying off so quickly I lose my balance and fall out of bed knocking over my chair which hits my light knocking that to the floor as well. WORST NIGHTMARE EVER. I am now completely blind, in the dark and I can hear BUZZING. Ohhh myyyy godddddddddd. I literally hurl myself into my closet with the light, plug it in and emerge looking a fool, using my light as a weapon. RIDICULOUS. With light-weapon in tow and shaking all over, I manage to locate my glasses after much close peering at the carpet and they are wasp free. Now the hunt begins. I locate the little jerk sneaking into my pillow case! Outrageous. After much nervous flinching I trap the sucker under a glass and between a book. He is now safely locked in the closet in this makeshift contraption with a book on top of the glass to ensure a safe nights sleep. I simply cannot believe the war has begun so soon this year. Raid will be purchased tomorrow, ASAP.

Oh heyyyy! Don't mind me, I'm just here to make sure you never sleep peacefully again.


City Market always brings the Awkward.

I have had numerous awkward experiences at Shitty Markup, better known to the greater Burlington population as City Market – health food wonder emporium. There was the time when I knocked over a small bushel of precious organic oranges ripened to perfection (or at least that was what the extremely angry sales clerk called them while rushing to save them from the horrors of the floor.) The exotic moment when I accidentally squeezed a yogurt container to hard in a vain attempt to keep from dropping it, causing it to explode all over me, sexy no? And of course there have been numerous instances running through the aisles to escape an awkward man-friend. Good times!

Today I had the wonderful opportunity to add two new weird, and tragically awkward moments to that list. I arranged a meet-up in the CM parking lot with a co-worker to commute to work together. Naturally this meet-up occurred at 7am which is most certainly not my finest hour. I would far rather be snuggled up with numerous pillows and blankets than fully dressed and already in a vehicle.  Nevertheless I prevailed and arrived on time, surprisingly.

However I apparently arrived too early and the CM was not open. I however, chose to ignore the obvious posted sign stating operating hours and proceeded to walk through the automatic door. Small problem, the door did not open. Instead of going with the logical assumption they weren’t opened yet I figured, naturally, the door wasn’t working. I walked at it a few more times, did some subtle prying at the hinges and finally moved onto jumping up and down in front of it thinking perhaps by some miracle it wasn’t registering my body weight, hilarious I know. Suddenly it dawns upon me in a grand Ahhhhh-haaaaaaa! moment that they are in fact, not open yet. I turn around thinking I can slink back to my car and no one will be none the wiser of my ridiculous actions. No such luck. I turn around to face roughly 5 people staring at me with a mixed expression of bewilderment and straight up hilarious amusement. At this moment I decide to scurry back to my car and pretend nothing happened.

In the process of scurrying back I notice something odd out of the corner of my eye. While safely stowed away inside my car I subtly maneuver the rear-view mirror to catch a better glimpse, so stealthy I know, I’m practically CIA certified. With my spy skills I view an absolutely absurd moment. A man, apparently also waiting for the market of organic wonders to open, decided to take this spare time and perform some yoga. Yes, I said yoga. Yes, daylight had barely begun and yes, it was around 34 degrees outside but apparently these are the perfect elements for yoga at 7am.

Naturally I cannot control myself and begin to stare obscenely obviously. This man is doing downward dogs, lunges, hip thrusts, all sorts of outrageous movements occasionally utilizing the hood of his car for additional moves. In typical fashion he managed to look up and lock eyes with me in my mirror. Cue door locking, eye-aversion and feverish texting in order look very preoccupied and act as if that eye-lock was by complete chance.

Just when I thought I was in the clear, I look up to catch him strutting to the door and staring me down. This secondary moment of eye contact apparently earned me and enthusiastic hip-thrust. Yeah, definitely way to early in the morning for that sort of business, sir. Ah, the joys of public parking lots in the early morning hours.