Clearly I have been slacking on my awkward updates, and sadly it is not because there is any lack of them. There have been numerous awkward instances involving old people, the infamous retail world, attractive men in general, perilous weather and of course young children.
In the past few months I have managed to slide down a snowbank and become wedged under my car, be sat on by a relatively large man in the frozen foods section of Wal-Mart, be smacked while accidentally walking through a domestic dispute and fall into the wardrobe of an elderly woman who was tragically not senile enough to miss that move.
Today really took the cake for the highest number of awkward moments to occur in a single day. Allow me to just rattle them right on off:
#1 In Starbucks (usually a neutral territory) a small child in front of me let out the single largest and loudest blast of gas I have ever witnessed. I was quite frankly surprised he didn’t shoot about four feet forward. Immediately after, without missing a beat the kid turns around, points directly at me and yells, “EWWWWW YOU FARTED!” Um…..are you kidding me, outrageous! In complete shock I maturely responded with, “Well, the one who smelt it dealt it kid.” This naturally got me an extremely loud, “THE ONE WHO DENIED IT SUPPLIED IT!” Great. Just great. Everyone not only thinks I let it rip in Starbucks but they also now know my maturity level rivals that of a grade-schooler. Perfect.
#2 While getting out of my car I managed to get my foot tangled in my seat belt and fall over into the car next to me. A full on fall that involved my essentially body tackling the side of this nice, clean, new benz and deeply startling the young, good-looking driver seated inside of it.
#3 I slipped on a spilled bottle of lube in Wal-Mart. Nothing more on that subject really needs to be said.
#4 While attempting to sniff a shampoo I managed to spray roughly half the bottle all over my face. Good for the pores….right?
#5 While attempting to do some innocent shopping in the toy section for Cooper, a dog began to try and have its way with my leg. Despite pushing, yelling and promises of treats if the behavior stopped the dog went on for a good five minutes before an associate assisted me in the freeing of my assaulted leg. The dog’s owner? Filming the ordeal with his iPhone. Yep, that’s helpful buddy. Hope you don’t mind when I accidentally knock your phone to the floor shattering is pretty little screen. Whoops…
#6 Last but most certainly not least while walking through the aisle at Shaws a woman proceeded to knock of a massive jar of pickles causing the lovely pickle juice to splash up into my new flats. Her response? She simply looked from the shelf, to the terrifying mess on the floor, to me and goes, “You should really watch where you’re going next time,” and then walk away. Wait, what?!
After this horrifyingly awkward day I am dragging myself into bed. We shall see if I can managed to face the world tomorrow.