Mall Cub strikes again…

I wish I was talking about this kind of cub...

Where to begin? Let’s start with the cub. The mall I work at has a young man on the night-time cleaning staff who happens to be rather good looking. He is also only 19 and practically still a child. This however, has not stopped the majority of my co-workers from lusting after him, all women who are older then him and looking to coug it up. Therefore this lovely individual has earned himself the title of mall cub.

Mall cub and I have an extremely strained relationship due to numerous awkward moments such as when I almost hit him in the face with a large bag of trash, the time I choked on my gum when I sneak-attacked me coming out of the secret-mall-janitor room, and when I accidently almost pulled a Michael Scott and ran him over. No big deal right? WRONG. He is always popping up everywhere when I am at my most vulnerable and awkward.

Naturally when I heard the news he was moving on to bigger and better things to work at the local Toyota dealership and this was his last day I threw a mini celebration rejoicing in the lack of awkward that would soon be my life. Now if you know me, or read this blog at all then you know nothing is ever that simple. Oh no, life had plans for me and mall cub to go out with a bang. Literally.

Since the break area was overtaken with visitors I chose to pop across the street to grab my lunch, while practically inhaling my food I check the time and I’m already a minute late, what a surprise. I quickly yet sophisticatedly fast-walk through the parking lot, run some yellow lights and park my car as close as possible to the mall entrance. What I ┬ádo not realize is that mall cub and his posse of mall bros are outside chatting about cleaning solutions and what-not. Just as I’m about to exit the car I realize my cell phone is still on my seat. In a huff, I place my water bottle on top of my roof and lean back in the car to grab my cell. At this moment I feel a sudden strong breeze and hear a rather odd noise. I peak up at my windshield only to see my water bottle zooming down the front of my car with amazing force. Oh no, no, no, no.

My water bottle collides with my hood at and excessive force and catapults off the hood and into the windshield of the car across from me. Apparently this crappy, rusted out honda is packing a serious alarm system. Why we will never know. However the system begins to go off at increasingly loud levels as my bottle disappears beneath my car. Perfect. I am now bending over into my car, I have set off an alarm on the car next to me, and I now have to crawl under my car on all fours to gather my lost water bottle. Just perfect.

After finally extracting my water bottle with my purse I pop up only to realize not only is mall cub and his entire posse are staring at me with “is this chick for real” looks on their faces, but they are also completely blocking my entrance to the mall. With as much dignity as one can gather when they have dirt and gravel embedded in their knees, I gathered all my belongings and marched into the mall simply pretending they had all hallucinated the entire scenario, just never mind the wailing car alarm in the background.

Alice in Trippyland

So I went and attended the premier of Alice in Wonderland. Naturally everyone there would be on some sort of mind-altering substance so should anything awkward strike, I would most definitely not stick out right? Wrong. Oh so so wrong.

Naturally the show was sold out and we hovered in the parking lot too long. By the time we reached the theater the only seats available were scattered conveniently between the most outrageous and intriguing people the area has to offer. Our group thought we miraculously spotted enough seats and made our way to the small section which was naturally pinned up against the wall of the theater. After I have myself seated and settled in we realize that we are one seat short. Typical, completely typical. After much debating and whining the girl behind us offers to swap rows since she has enough seats.

I eye the long line of people I will have to straddle to maneuver my way out of the row. I decide there are far too many individuals and I am not interested in squeezing past them, trying to make sure my butt doesn’t hit their face while I continually say, “Sorry, excuse me…oops sorry. Excuse me.” So I get the genius notion to climb over the seat. It all seemed simple enough. My legs are extremely long and I should have no problem just popping over the seat into the other row. This will definitely be easier then going down the line. What I forgot was my complete and utter ability to balance and the fact that my jeans had come straight out of the dryer and I hadn’t had the chance to do that awkward squat-scuttle walk that stretches them out so you can actually move around like a normal person.

Completely oblivious to these glaring facts of my ineptitude I pop up onto the seat. As I hovered there part of my brain, the small sane part, began to ask, “Um excuse me what are you doing. You are already wobbling. Get down. This can only end badly.” I was already on top of the seat though, clearly there was no backing out now.

I made the ultimate mistake of lifting my back foot off of the seat and it went into clam mode completely snapping shut. In the course of this motion my entire leg falls through, my foot hits something slippery on the floor and continues to slide down the slanted floor and in the end my arms are above my head, my face is buried in a gross theater seat and my free leg is thrust upward and backward into the next row narrowly missing another individuals head.

Luckily the individual in front of me was well into his trip in preparation for Burton’s Wonderland and didn’t even register my sweet Jackie-Chan foot moves. Not-so-luckily a small group of hot man pieces about four rows behind me witnessed everything and decided that pointing, laughing, and discussing, “how anyone could be that stupid?” would help the situation. Dear life, thanks so much for cock-blocking me.