Where to begin? Let’s start with the cub. The mall I work at has a young man on the night-time cleaning staff who happens to be rather good looking. He is also only 19 and practically still a child. This however, has not stopped the majority of my co-workers from lusting after him, all women who are older then him and looking to coug it up. Therefore this lovely individual has earned himself the title of mall cub.
Mall cub and I have an extremely strained relationship due to numerous awkward moments such as when I almost hit him in the face with a large bag of trash, the time I choked on my gum when I sneak-attacked me coming out of the secret-mall-janitor room, and when I accidently almost pulled a Michael Scott and ran him over. No big deal right? WRONG. He is always popping up everywhere when I am at my most vulnerable and awkward.
Naturally when I heard the news he was moving on to bigger and better things to work at the local Toyota dealership and this was his last day I threw a mini celebration rejoicing in the lack of awkward that would soon be my life. Now if you know me, or read this blog at all then you know nothing is ever that simple. Oh no, life had plans for me and mall cub to go out with a bang. Literally.
Since the break area was overtaken with visitors I chose to pop across the street to grab my lunch, while practically inhaling my food I check the time and I’m already a minute late, what a surprise. I quickly yet sophisticatedly fast-walk through the parking lot, run some yellow lights and park my car as close as possible to the mall entrance. What I do not realize is that mall cub and his posse of mall bros are outside chatting about cleaning solutions and what-not. Just as I’m about to exit the car I realize my cell phone is still on my seat. In a huff, I place my water bottle on top of my roof and lean back in the car to grab my cell. At this moment I feel a sudden strong breeze and hear a rather odd noise. I peak up at my windshield only to see my water bottle zooming down the front of my car with amazing force. Oh no, no, no, no.
My water bottle collides with my hood at and excessive force and catapults off the hood and into the windshield of the car across from me. Apparently this crappy, rusted out honda is packing a serious alarm system. Why we will never know. However the system begins to go off at increasingly loud levels as my bottle disappears beneath my car. Perfect. I am now bending over into my car, I have set off an alarm on the car next to me, and I now have to crawl under my car on all fours to gather my lost water bottle. Just perfect.
After finally extracting my water bottle with my purse I pop up only to realize not only is mall cub and his entire posse are staring at me with “is this chick for real” looks on their faces, but they are also completely blocking my entrance to the mall. With as much dignity as one can gather when they have dirt and gravel embedded in their knees, I gathered all my belongings and marched into the mall simply pretending they had all hallucinated the entire scenario, just never mind the wailing car alarm in the background.