Road Rage and Marriage Proposals.

Anyone of you who have actually driven with me know that I have a tendency towards expressing my anger audibly when dealing with moronic driving. Luckily for the general public, I purchased a fancy new car and have been keeping my rage in check so as to not injure my new toy. Yet lately I have been completely unable to control my angst towards crappy drivers. Things began to go poorly after a semi-recent encounter with the Cowardly Lioness.

While minding my own business in the turning lane to Vermont Gas on Shelburne Road I suddenly notice something terrifying – reverse lights. Before I can even react some imbecile in a jacked up subaru has sent her car flying BACKWARDS down a lane in which everyone is at a stand still. I’m sorry, WHAT THE FUCK?! Hello?!?!?! This individual hits me with enough force to shove my car about a foot backwards, leaving a good amount of my oh-so-expensive snow tires on the pavement so needless to say, I am not pleased. As I begin to get out of my car, complete with my “WTF” hands a terrifying creature emerges from the subaru. A creature which can only be described as the Cowardly Lioness.

 

This woman had the most intense curled, bleached, teased hair I have ever witnessed in real life. It was like the 80s on crack had taken over her head. Literally a halo of crazy. To make everything even more terrifying, her eyes were ringed with at least two inches of navy eyeliner topped with roughly five layers of bright blue eye makeup accented by black lip-liner and a an intensely bright red lipstick. I quite seriously thought that the Wizard of Oz had landed right in my lap.

Before I can even react the Lioness is back in her subaru, fleeing the scene through a red light and hopping on to the interstate as if nothing had happened. Um…… Next thing I know I’m stuck explaining to the officer who showed up what exactly happened. When asked if I saw the person who was driving the vehicle, my response was “Well….she sort of looked like….um….the….Cowardly Lion?” Pretty sure I have never recieved such a judgemental look in all my life. Pfffft.

 

Ever since this little hit and run life has been increasingly awkward. Here are the highlights:

- While walking down the stairs after grabbing some much needed starbucks, I manage to encounter an older gentleman who was most certainly homeless and missing most of his teeth. He offered me what most women only dream of – marriage. His opener, “Youuuu are sooo beautifuuuul to meeee,” and yes it was sung. It was then followed by this wonderful promise, “I can make you so happy, fufill your richest desires. Just give me your love and home…” Wow, with offers like this, who can believe I’m still single?

- I would like to think it takes a certain skill to pull off this next move. Since my driveway has turned into a sheet of sheer ice, walking to my car has become more like ice skating towards my car. While attempting to manuver to my car the other day I managed to get one foot in the door and then before I could scoot in, the other one shot out from under with me with alarming speed. Next thing I know I have high-kicked one of my legs into my roof and my entire left leg is tucked nicely under the car’s undercarriage all ending in the most intense split action of my life. Managing to wiggle myself out of this situation was certainly enjoyable for the individuals next door.

- While deep in thought, reading my grocerry list at shaws, I suddenly realized I forgot eggs and whirled around quickly to get them. Naturaly I did this without looking and managed to body slam an entire rack of day old cupcakes, cakes, cookies, and other fat kid products. Right as I look up from this caloric temple I’ve made for myself I see one of the hot produce guys giving me a look filled with tude as he walks away. Who wouldn’t want to date a woman who hoards day old baked goods around her feet?

-2012 has been a great year so far, starting off with the flu and an eye infection that has left me stuck wearing my glasses for about 3 weeks. These so called glasses are 5 years old, sporting an outdated perscription, covered in scratches, and stretched out. On top of all that I have no peripheral vision in them what-so-ever. While walking across the street the other day I whipped my head a little to quick trying to scout out whether I could cross the street or not and sent my glasses flying off my face and clattering onto the street. In typical fashion I managed to cause a small traffic back up while down on all fours attempting to locate the missing pieces of junk. Don’t mind me upity drivers honking loudly, just trying to see over here. NBD.

What the heck.

Awkwardness. Sometimes it leaves my life, just long enough for me to begin to breath steadily and not walk around in fear of what may be lurking around the next corner. Then,  just when I let my guard down, WHAP – smacked in the face by some serious awkward. Allow me to elaborate.

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A few weeks ago while waiting in line for my coffee I ran into another prime example of why I am so perpetually single. Behind me I hear a grumbly voice clearing which escalates into a cough. I’m thinking, “What the shit is this…” as I turn around. I find myself uncomfortably close to another fellow ginger who is looking at me extremely intently with a leery smile. “Oh this should be good,” I think to myself.

Befor I get the chance to turn around  he launches into this whopper of an opener, “Did you know redheads are a race facing extinction?” There are a lot of things wrong with this statement, but I was too baffled and simply responded with, “Ummm. No?” Here is what ensued.

“Yes, we are a dying breed. Very rare these days.”

“Well there are two of us in the coffee shop, so things can’t be that bad. Haha….”

….Awkward silence complete with intense staring…….

“It’s a rather serious matter.”

“Oh. Er. Sorry.”

“Yes. I have numerous pieces of evidence to validate my claims. Perhaps you would like to get together sometime and look at them.”

“Um, well, you see…”

“We could also talk about the possibility of procreating.”

Yes, the word procreate was involved. At this point I had just about enough of this creeping and leapt into action to order my coffee, then proceeded to relocate myself in between two large beefy, blonde men to assert my non-compliance with the Ginger Hierarchy.

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While completing some christmas shopping at Best Buy I decided to fiddle around in the stereo system section. After spending about 3 minutes attempting to figure out how in the heck I was supposed to get sound to come out of one of the systems –  I had even resorted to checking if the speakers were plugged in – I realize it had a mute button. Push this and Voila! Problem solved. Except that I had the volume all the way up to 40 and a terrible top 40 station tuned in. So suddenly the stereo section has turned Best Buy into LMFAO’s personal concert with the line, “TAN MY CHEEKS!” blaring out. In my sheer desperation to shut it off I manage to knock over another system and hit myself in the head with a speaker all while the music blares away. Finally a sales associate comes over, shuts off the system and says, “Ma’am, please try to control yourself.” Well, then. This is when I decided to promptly leave through the small mass of people staring at me.

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I decided to do a little retail therapy with the zero spare cash I have this afternoon, so off to Marshall’s I headed in search of a sassy handbag. After listening to a mother – daughter duo have an increasingly high pitched argument about whether a certain bag was “on trend” or not I finally plugged my ipod in. 20 minutes later, under the impression I am completely alone, I’m busting a move to Springsteen’s Dancing in the Dark. Why don’t I just let you listen to this so you can really get a good mental picture of this incident:

So in the middle of busting out a sassy move with a few handbags swinging from my arms, I pop around the corner to find a total DILF shoe shopping with his son. I freeze frame it and manage to smack my face with a bag at the exact moment the kid points at me and goes, “EWWWWWWW!”

HEY! Listen, I know my dance skills may not be the most exotic you’ve seen, and yes my hair was being held up by a rubber band, but STFU kid. Ew to you, you have crumbs from your happy meal still clinging to your jumper. Anyways to top it off the previous viewed DILF, who is now a gross old man, began to laugh. After one death glare of epic proportions that promptly silenced these two fools, I stalked off purse-less. Tragic.

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To top it all off I now have a small hive breakout around my mouth which makes it look like I have razor burn. Excellent. If this does not go away by tomorrow I will be calling in sick to life, grabbing my bottle of wine and hiding under my bed until further notice.

Well then…

Let’s talk about why I’m updating this blog. I’ve sustained a serious injury and find myself sitting around with some free time. You might ask “What injury is this and how, pray tell, did it happen?” Well allow me to catch you up.

I have been unable to sleep soundly for the past week. In the middle of the night – say around 3AM – a scratching noise comes from deep within the wall right behind my bed. Since there is a crack in this wall I am perpetually afraid that whatever it is making that noise will suddenly come barreling through this crack and join me in bed. This would not be welcome. On a completely unrelated note  - I have may or may not have been watching copious amounts of horror movies by myself lately.

In a fit of overtired angst I decided to re-arrange my room and place my bed in a position in which I could easily fend off an attack from the “scratcher” While listening to some excellent, high quality, very mature music and dancing around I may have lost control of my mattress and tripped over my desk chair. Naturally I wound up twisted in the desk chair with my mattress on top of me in the most bizarrely contorted position I have ever experienced. In the most attractive way ever, I managed to detangle myself only to find I threw my back out. NBD. That’s fine. I also may have a fat lip due to facial mattress smacking. That’s fine, just one more injury to tack on to my already wounded self.

In addition to these latest events I also have a large bruise on my side – This one stemmed from a literal run-in with the parking garage gate. While quite obviously checking out the rather attractive parking attendant I managed to body check the side of the parking gate so hard I bounced off and hit the concrete. This move is guaranteed to win the men over, trust me. They most certainly will not stare at you like you are on meth and then advise you to watch your step with a look reeking of judgment, oh no.

My calves are looking pretty damn hot too. They’re sporting a hot black and blue splotchy color which is totally in this season. How does one acquire such a high fashion look? Well my method is a sure fire win. My advice – search for your keys in the dark in your seemingly bottomless purse, trip in a small hole and then land with your shins perfectly lined up on the curb. Note – this is for professionals only, many individuals can simply not pull off the timing properly. After you pull off this move, it’s best to celebrate by rolling over onto your back and saying something sophisticated like, “BLOW ME!” right as some college students pass by. Pure class.

To complete my new makeover I also burned my forehead with my straightening iron while staring at Facebook. I truly am looking beautiful these days.

The plan for this weekend? Steal a wheelchair from my former place of work and hit the town. You only look this good for so long. right?

Things I don’t have time for…

This week, I can’t even. Firstly I am sick, tired, and still being pushed around at my current job. This equals one foul mood for Amber. Throw some awkward in there and you are going to get a throwdown, probably in a public arena. Here are the events leading to my scene causing actions this afternoon.

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First off, on Sunday I was sniffed in line at Starbucks. Now you may be thinking someone perhaps subtly took a whiff of me in passing. You would be wrong. While waiting in line with my order of 5 coffees I became increasingly aware of an elderly gentleman standing entirely too close to me. I am HUGE on personal space bubbles, especially in public. I in no way want you teetering on your toes within a few mere millimeters of my body breathing down my neck, no sir. Yet I found myself in just such a situation Sunday afternoon. After several repeated small shuffling movements forward to escape Sir Space-Invader, during which he naturally continued to creep up on me, he committed a foul act.

He literally stuck his nose into the back of my neck and inhaled so strongly there was not only an audible noise, but the hairs on the back of my neck stood straight up – yes I realize this may have been out of direct fear. When I whirled around and hissed, “What exactly are you doing?!” He took this opportunity to lean in closer and simply say, “I’m finding a new perfume for my wife.” And that was it. No explanation like, “Hey, I’m just sniffing random women until I find one I like…” or, “I happen to like your perfume, I’m shopping for my wife and was wondering what it’s called…” Oh no, he just left it hanging on that awkward note and staring at me. Luckily at this point it was time for me to order my coffees and then run away.

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Follow this up on Monday when I walked into Wal-Mart in rubber shoes with absolutely no sole. Hit a puddle in said shoes, which were already wet from the rain, and promptly went into a slide-tackle worthy of the World Cup to take a small stand of discounted goods. By small stand I mean a large rack of sunscreen in aluminum cans directly in front of the entire section of registers. I suddenly find myself on the ground covered by SPF 60+ for babies in front of what appeared to be thousands of people. I have zero doubts I will shortly be making my appearance here - http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/

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Then today it was off to the eye doctors to have my eyes dilated. Here are some words I never like to here when someone is fiddling around with my eyesight – “Oops, oh dear…” Yet these were precisely the words I encountered after apparently the crazy biddie put the wrong drops in my eyes. “Well dear, I seem to have put long lasting drops in your eyes…you’ll be find in the morning. No worries!” I’m sorry, no worries? Actually, yes worries, firstly I can barely function with my pupils dilated, secondly it is 3pm and tomorrow morning is a long way away, thirdly I have shit to do, Dear. UGH! 45 minutes later I emerge with completely numb eyes into a blinding world. Pop into my car check the mirror and let out a small squeak. My pupils have completely taken over my iris and I’m seeing doubles of everything. All I want to do is go home and crawl into bed. However this is not an option.

Last night all hell broke lose, literally, when our kitchen ceiling collapsed due to a leak in the showers plumbing. NBD. That’s fine, I love some good plaster mixed with my coffee, the little moldy flakes also really accentuate my hair style. Naturally this sort of catastrophe necessitates a visit from our maintenance man. The same maintenance man whom I accidentally flashed while discussing previous plumbing issues with while wearing nothing but a towel. I am not interested in re-living this moment and plan to stay as far away from the house as possible while he is there.

In order to avoid an awkward encounter I take my near-blind, massive-pupil self to the Starbucks cafe in Barnes & Noble figuring I’ll do a little pretend reading with a latte in hand. About five minutes into my latte I feel a tap on my shoulder – I look up an attempt to focus in on this human shape next to me. Here’s what I get – “Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you to leave, you are making some of the customers here uncomfortable.” Pardon me? (Upon further reflection a girl with massive pupils who kept blinking maniacally, pretending to read, eyes out of focus, and repeatedly dropping her belongings may have put me off as well.) After a significant pause this little ‘Bucks wannabe barista continues with, “We don’t condone whatever behavior you are dabbling in, please remove yourself from this establishment.” Cue freak out.

I near leapt out of my seat with a snapping hand motion proclaiming, “LISTEN HERE! I have had a rough week, my eyes have been over dilated and my ceiling collapsed. Keep your outrageous judgements to yourself!” And with that I attempted to storm out of the door, which I was currently seeing two of.

I return home only to discover no hot water, make another call to the maintenance man, make some awkward chit – chat while fully and properly clothed, and now I will proceed to curl up in bed with a small bottle of wine and one still very dilated pupil. Lookin’ good.

The Breakdown…Mental Breakdown That Is.

In the past month or so the level of awkward in my life has shot through the roof. Here’s the breakdown -

- While walking through the mall the other day on my break I quite obviously checked out some young male specimens. Thinking I was simply checking out some hot young college boys, I looked back to find their MOMS staring me down. Apparently I have lost all ability to accurately determine age and was eyeing some high school kids. NBD. Best part? When I made eye contact with the moms one of them was scowling and the other winked. I’m sorry, did you just wink at this lecherous college grad who just checked out your practically prepubescent son??

- When people ask me why I am single I’ve decided to refer them to this gem of a moment in my life. The other weekend while walking home in a pair of heels, a young college kid in a frat hoodie leaned out the side of his car and screamed, “CLICK CLACK, LET ME HIT IT FROM THE BACK!!!” Tragically this modern day Shakespearean sonnet did not sweep me off my feet and I returned home alone. Since these appear to be the only people I attract, this ladies and gentleman is why I am single. Mystery solved. I’m now going to adopt my first of many cats since my future dictates that I will be a creepy old woman with numerous cats.

- This weekend while wearing some new shoes I acquired some severe blisters upon the back of my feet. Due to this I’ve been wearing shoes slightly too big for me the whole week to alleviate the pain. Side-eye me all you want but the shoes were cute and the Absolut numbed the pain. So while hiking myself up the hill the other day from my eye appt, said slightly-to-large shoe slipped off the back of my heel sending me into a scuttling, tripping, slipping sort of motion. In my natural instincts I grabbed out for the nearest item to steady myself. This happened to be a parking meter which I entwined myself with. As I am hanging onto this meter, in what I am sure is a very seductive pose, I look up to make eye contact with an old group-project partner from UVM. Oh excellent. As I’m wrenching my eyes away and detangling myself from the meter he touches my arm and goes, “Amber?” My response? Pfffffttttt! No, you clearly have the wrong person.” At which point I grab my shoe and hustle up the hill cursing my life.

- After receiving some particularly fabulous news I lost myself in the moment when Whitney Houston’s “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” came on my iPod in the car. By losing myself I mean full on car dancing and singing into my Starbucks cup enthusiastically. While deep into the chorus on a especially aggressive head swing to the left I notice an entire mini-van of small children staring at me and pointing. Further inspection revealed their parents, who by the way appeared to be my age -get a chastity belt- laughing hysterically at me. Leave a girl alone when she’s enjoying her 80s.

Stranger Danger.

On the way home I found myself trapped in a small pocket of traffic. I naturally took this as an opportunity to seize the awkward moment of the day. CARPE DIEM AWKWARDIUM! Or you know, whatever.

While I was staring out my window I noticed a small boy deep into play time. He had clearly dreamed up a very serious game that involved jumping in and out of bushes James Bond style. I began to think to myself nice it was that some kids still have a wild imagination in this excessively digital age. In this short period of time I was not only locked into staring at this small child, but I had unknowingly gathered a creepy, half-smile on my face. Right before I snap out of my trance, James Bond Jr. leaps out of a nearby bush to see me staring at him with my terrifying pedophile smile.

He suddenly throws a small clump of berries, twigs, dirt and other small bits of nature at my car with surprising force while screaming (at the top of his lungs,) “STRANGER DANGER!!!!” He then jumps on his bike and pedals madly away while continuing to scream the phrase down the street. Completely stunned I look around to see disapproving looks from my nearby vehicular neighbors. Excellent.

Spring Round-Up.

Clearly I have been slacking on my blog updates, and for this ultimate sin I have been verbally berated by numerous individuals. So, prepare yourselves because we have a lot of catching up to do.

Here is a small sampling of exactly how absurd my life is:

Accurate depiction of my life from Hyperbole and a half.

-Today on my way into the bank to take care of serious business like a very serious young adult, I walked into a glass door, stumbled and managed to fling my bills everywhere. At which point an elderly gentleman stopped to help me pick them up, caught a look at my statement and laughed at me. Thankssssssss.

- On my way home from work the other night an obscenely drunk man vomited what I am assuming was milk all over the side of my car while I was stopped at a red light. He then proceeded to lean on my window and say, “Thanks for still loving me Susan.” Completely unsure of how to proceed I simply said no problem then gunned it at the green.

- The other day at Starbucks a man bought me my drink stating, “A single working mom deserves a break every now and then.” I have absolutely no idea what he was talking about but I went with it because lets face it, a free latte is a free latte.

- While attempting to text and walk (multi-tasking is genuinely my greatest downfall) in the mall the other night  I walked into an absurdly large, very obvious sign and proceeded to stumble backwards and take down a mall cop.

- I recently moved into a larger room with considerably more space and far larger windows which I often forget to keep covered, you can imagine where this is going. The other night I decided to have a serious dance party in my room with an exotic beverage in hand and a terrible hair-do. While breaking it down in a very serious way I look out my completely open window to discover a small crew of Winooski teenagers staring at me with round eyes and gaping mouths. After completely freezing for about a full minute I decided that my best option was to hide in the closet until my beverage was done and it was most likely safe.

And now for a delightful tid-bit not from my life:

“Me and Jesus were flirting with each other last night while he is working. He is talking about his painting/art (blahblah) and I (accidentally, ahem, ok very obviously) look him up and down while I didn’t think he was looking. This is what follows:

Jesus: Did you just look at my package?
Me: PFFFFTT.
Jesus: You totally just looked at my package.
Me: No.
Jesus: Yes, you did.
Me: Shut up.

OOPTH.”

What. The. Crap.

I simply cannot believe the situation I have just found myself in. Firstly, let me just throw a little disclaimer out there: I LOATHE FLYING, STINGING WASP-LIKE INSECTS. I fully believe them to, in fact, be the spawn of Satan. After numerous, horrifying incidents with wasps, hornets, and bees in general as a small child, I have developed a full blown phobia of them which can induce hysteria and extremely questionable actions. I will dead sprint up mountains, jump in massive bodies of water, and nearly throw my car into a ditch pulling over to escape these winged demons. I once hurdled the wall of my pool in one fluid motion to flee, which is no easy feat. Needless to say, the slightest hum of beating wings makes me lose what little sanity I actually posses.

Moving forward….it is April. In fact it is still the beginning of April. This is the time of year I live for. Ideally I prefer summer, however the large amount of wasp-demon activity in this season keeps me with Raid can in hand, severely hindering my ability to enjoy it fully. This is why spring is perfect. Things are just beginning to get warm and bloom and insect activity is minimal. I can walk about freely without fearing a sudden attack, which is why tonight I was completely blind sided.

Finally ready for bed around midnight I plop into bed grab my computer and intend to do a little facebooking before bed. While typing and innocently minding my own business I feel something move across my left pinky finger… something that feels far too much like small, evil insect legs. I look down and spy a bug on my finger. I instantly tense and flick away the evil-doer thinking it was one of those gross, annoying and perfect harmless bugs that has taken to inhabiting our house during warm months. Thinking I’m safe I continue typing.

Next thing I know the bug is back and has flown straight into my face and landed on my glasses. Adjusting my eyesight I see that it is in fact a WASP!!!! AHHHH!!! What in the hell!!! It’s April, where did this little devil come from?!?! I freak. The glasses go flying off so quickly I lose my balance and fall out of bed knocking over my chair which hits my light knocking that to the floor as well. WORST NIGHTMARE EVER. I am now completely blind, in the dark and I can hear BUZZING. Ohhh myyyy godddddddddd. I literally hurl myself into my closet with the light, plug it in and emerge looking a fool, using my light as a weapon. RIDICULOUS. With light-weapon in tow and shaking all over, I manage to locate my glasses after much close peering at the carpet and they are wasp free. Now the hunt begins. I locate the little jerk sneaking into my pillow case! Outrageous. After much nervous flinching I trap the sucker under a glass and between a book. He is now safely locked in the closet in this makeshift contraption with a book on top of the glass to ensure a safe nights sleep. I simply cannot believe the war has begun so soon this year. Raid will be purchased tomorrow, ASAP.

Oh heyyyy! Don't mind me, I'm just here to make sure you never sleep peacefully again.

City Market always brings the Awkward.

I have had numerous awkward experiences at Shitty Markup, better known to the greater Burlington population as City Market – health food wonder emporium. There was the time when I knocked over a small bushel of precious organic oranges ripened to perfection (or at least that was what the extremely angry sales clerk called them while rushing to save them from the horrors of the floor.) The exotic moment when I accidentally squeezed a yogurt container to hard in a vain attempt to keep from dropping it, causing it to explode all over me, sexy no? And of course there have been numerous instances running through the aisles to escape an awkward man-friend. Good times!

Today I had the wonderful opportunity to add two new weird, and tragically awkward moments to that list. I arranged a meet-up in the CM parking lot with a co-worker to commute to work together. Naturally this meet-up occurred at 7am which is most certainly not my finest hour. I would far rather be snuggled up with numerous pillows and blankets than fully dressed and already in a vehicle.  Nevertheless I prevailed and arrived on time, surprisingly.

However I apparently arrived too early and the CM was not open. I however, chose to ignore the obvious posted sign stating operating hours and proceeded to walk through the automatic door. Small problem, the door did not open. Instead of going with the logical assumption they weren’t opened yet I figured, naturally, the door wasn’t working. I walked at it a few more times, did some subtle prying at the hinges and finally moved onto jumping up and down in front of it thinking perhaps by some miracle it wasn’t registering my body weight, hilarious I know. Suddenly it dawns upon me in a grand Ahhhhh-haaaaaaa! moment that they are in fact, not open yet. I turn around thinking I can slink back to my car and no one will be none the wiser of my ridiculous actions. No such luck. I turn around to face roughly 5 people staring at me with a mixed expression of bewilderment and straight up hilarious amusement. At this moment I decide to scurry back to my car and pretend nothing happened.

In the process of scurrying back I notice something odd out of the corner of my eye. While safely stowed away inside my car I subtly maneuver the rear-view mirror to catch a better glimpse, so stealthy I know, I’m practically CIA certified. With my spy skills I view an absolutely absurd moment. A man, apparently also waiting for the market of organic wonders to open, decided to take this spare time and perform some yoga. Yes, I said yoga. Yes, daylight had barely begun and yes, it was around 34 degrees outside but apparently these are the perfect elements for yoga at 7am.

Naturally I cannot control myself and begin to stare obscenely obviously. This man is doing downward dogs, lunges, hip thrusts, all sorts of outrageous movements occasionally utilizing the hood of his car for additional moves. In typical fashion he managed to look up and lock eyes with me in my mirror. Cue door locking, eye-aversion and feverish texting in order look very preoccupied and act as if that eye-lock was by complete chance.

Just when I thought I was in the clear, I look up to catch him strutting to the door and staring me down. This secondary moment of eye contact apparently earned me and enthusiastic hip-thrust. Yeah, definitely way to early in the morning for that sort of business, sir. Ah, the joys of public parking lots in the early morning hours.

Where to start?

Clearly I have been slacking on my awkward updates, and sadly it is not because there is any lack of them. There have been numerous awkward instances involving old people, the infamous retail world, attractive men in general, perilous weather and of course young children.

In the past few months I have managed to slide down a snowbank and become wedged under my car, be sat on by a relatively large man in the frozen foods section of Wal-Mart, be smacked while accidentally walking through a domestic dispute and fall into the wardrobe of an elderly woman who was tragically not senile enough to miss that move.

Today really took the cake for the highest number of awkward moments to occur in a single day. Allow me to just rattle them right on off:

#1 In Starbucks (usually a neutral territory) a small child in front of me let out the single largest and loudest blast of gas I have ever witnessed. I was quite frankly surprised he didn’t shoot about four feet forward. Immediately after, without missing a beat the kid turns around, points directly at me and yells, “EWWWWW YOU FARTED!” Um…..are you kidding me, outrageous! In complete shock I maturely responded with, “Well, the one who smelt it dealt it kid.” This naturally got me an extremely loud, “THE ONE WHO DENIED IT SUPPLIED IT!” Great. Just great. Everyone not only thinks I let it rip in Starbucks but they also now know my maturity level rivals that of a grade-schooler. Perfect.

#2 While getting out of my car I managed to get my foot tangled in my seat belt and fall over into the car next to me. A full on fall that involved my essentially body tackling the side of this nice, clean, new benz and deeply startling the young, good-looking driver seated inside of it.

#3 I slipped on a spilled bottle of lube in Wal-Mart. Nothing more on that subject really needs to be said.

#4 While attempting to sniff a shampoo I managed to spray roughly half the bottle all over my face. Good for the pores….right?

#5 While attempting to do some innocent shopping in the toy section for Cooper, a dog began to try and have its way with my leg. Despite pushing, yelling and promises of treats if the behavior stopped the dog went on for a good five minutes before an associate assisted me in the freeing of my assaulted leg. The dog’s owner? Filming the ordeal with his iPhone. Yep, that’s helpful buddy. Hope you don’t mind when I accidentally knock your phone to the floor shattering is pretty little screen. Whoops…

#6 Last but most certainly not least while walking through the aisle at Shaws a woman proceeded to knock of a massive jar of pickles causing the lovely pickle juice to splash up into my new flats. Her response? She simply looked from the shelf, to the terrifying mess on the floor, to me and goes, “You should really watch where you’re going next time,” and then walk away. Wait, what?!

After this horrifyingly awkward day I am dragging myself into bed. We shall see if I can managed to face the world tomorrow.